september 15th

 september 15th, 11:33am

long time no see. 

its been rough. i've been working a lot. we're severely understaffed right now and every day that i'm not at school, i'm at work. i'm exhausted. my classes have started: animal behavior, social psychology, behavioral statistics, and macroeconomics. i'm not gonna lie to you, i've skipped a total of 7 classes altogether. i don't want to skip classes but the way i've been rationalizing it is that everything is online. all of my coursework is online and 90% of the notes as well. i feel very unmotivated and nothing seems to motivate me. i feel severely guilty every time i skip a class and i don't know why. i looked on reddit once to see if other people felt the guilt like i do and all of the replies were just absolutely trashing the person. that didn't help and, frankly, i hate reddit. i haven't seen any of my friends in what feels like forever. 

i have a new coworker at work and i do not like him. i decide pretty quickly whether or not i like someone and he was almost an immediate no. he's generally nice however, he has no interest in anything i say. you may be wondering why i think that and it's because he does not expand on conversations. for example, i have my cat, foofy. foofy is a very very weird name. whenever i mention foofy to people, they immediately comment on his name where i then explain where it came from. this often leads to talking about each others pets aka a normal conversation. when i mentioned foofy to him, there was no response. not even a funny look; just a blank face. that was my first clue. he also constantly cuts me off. CONSTANTLY. i can't get a single sentence out without him butting in. this is something my brother used to do to me and it drove me crazy. i could possibly tolerate this however last night was my final straw, and i've only worked with him 3 times. 

it was me, my manager, and the new coworker. we were recovering the store and just chatting. we're coming into our slow season so there isn't much to do most of the time. i was fixing some things where the topic of social work came up. i stated "i could never be a social worker" and my reasoning is that i would be entirely unprofessional. i would completely beat someone up for even saying anything sideways to a child let alone anything more. he jumped onto the end of my sentence, laughing, and said "i completely agree!" i was slightly confused so i asked him why and his reasoning was: "you are very unsympathetic. you have no sympathy and you wouldn't be a good social worker." i'm not a huge fan of kids, however i would never let anything happen to a child. what he said made me kind of sad. i made a face to my manager where he couldn't see me and she started to defend me. "well, you don't know her very well" is what she said. the new coworker then started to explain MORE why i would not be a good social worker. 

i immediately shut down. that was an entirely rude thing to say. ironically, i have always had a problem with being too sympathetic and empathetic. if someone is even the slightest bit sad, i would do anything to make them feel better. i feel guilt for things i haven't even done and for things other people do. i constantly apologize for things i say if i think they came out wrong. i offer money or help if it is necessary and i'm happy to do so.

my manager, who i've become very close to, was not happy with what he said. she asked if i wanted her to say something to him, but i need to stand up for myself or let things roll off my back. i can't go running to her every time someone may make me sad. so i said no and tried to let it go for the rest of the night. that didn't work, obviously. i was cordial with him, continuing conversations but i had ultimately decided i strongly disliked him. he really likes my manager. follows her around, never cuts her off, and enjoys impressing her. there is nothing wrong with this whatsoever, but when it comes at the expense of me, i don't like it. its a sticky situation. 

if you read all of this, thank you. it was a brain dump. i'll see you soon.

-v <3